But I Can't Live Without him

Finding out that my Husband wanted to divorce me; I remember that night like it was yesterday.  How I cried and cried like my world was coming to an end. I literally felt that it couldn’t go on if there was no love from him.  What kind of cruel world could hold my existence without his love? Our marriage was the first time I had experienced a love so deep that I felt like I could die tomorrow a happy woman knowing that I had thoroughly loved and had been known and completely loved-or so I thought.

"But I can't live without him!!!" 

This was the exact sentence I cried out to The Lord.  Even now, remembering the emotion tied into those words brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat.  I had all kind of crazy thoughts going through my head at that moment.  My gun was actually within arms reach in my bedroom.  I can't even bring myself to write out the scenarios that played through my head over and over.  When I look back now, I know it was the devil in my bedroom sitting beside me whispering in my ear all the horrible ideas that would bring my life, my world, my sanity, all to an end. 

"I can't live without him!!!"

So, as a Christian Woman, I know what all the Bible quoting, self righteous people are thinking; I was putting this man in the place of my God.  And if I’m completely honest, I could admit that the minute I told myself that I couldn’t live without him, I was 100% wrong.  But, every minute leading up to that, I was 100% valid in my feelings for him.

The Bible teaches us to respect and submit ourselves to our husbands, even in the manner of Sarah who called her husband "lord".  I loved my husband. My testimony was that he was my greatest gift from the Lord.  Even after all the bad relationships I had gone through because I didn’t wait on God, He turned around and blessed me with the very desire of my heart.  God knew what I needed, when I needed it and He freely gave me my needs as well as my wants.  No matter our most difficult times, I still loved him dearly.

That's why I could not fathom a day would come when our relationship would be knocked off of the sure foundation that is Our Lord.  That's why I could not be fake about how deep that knife had just cut me.  Whoever said a broken heart is a state of mind and love is just a mental decision has never felt the physical pain in the chest from the heart muscle being tied to the love emotion when it abruptly ends.  I just knew that I would die that night and I was perfectly accepting and even welcoming of death. I truly didn't want to live on without him and face a world without him after sharing it with him for so many beautiful experiences.

This may honestly be one of the most important pages in this blog because I know for a fact that so many people get to that place in their marriages and unfortunately, they don't make it past. There are plenty of news stories on the web of suicides and murder/suicides when this happened to others.  I have known some of those victims personally.  And there are countless others where suicide was attempted but not successful.  I know of some of them personally, as well.  My heart breaks for those souls.  I only know one reason why I didn't succumb to the trick of the enemy in those hours and one reason only.

My soul is anchored in The Lord.   My mind is tethered to His Love.  Even at my lowest and weakest points that night, I couldn't do anything that would jeopardize my relationship with Him because I knew that not only did I love Him so much but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that He loved me even more that I could imagine. If I thought my love for my husband was vast ocean, then I knew God's love for me was the planet that ocean flowed on.  My love may have been strong, but God's love was incredible.  He gave His perfect and only Son to die for me when I was a wicked, evil, undeserving wretch! When I was the worst of the worst, He still loved me enough to die for me.  Nothing could compare to His Love.  He is Love itself.  Let me tell you, that was the only thought that got me through that night unharmed.

At the end of the day, I knew that God would get me through this season.  He had done it before, and He would do it again.  No matter what I have ever faced in life, He has always given me the strength to survive and even thrive in the face of great trials.  Honestly, you wouldn't even know my story from looking at me because He has kept me so good, I don't look like half of what I've been through.  Therefore, I may love my husband to death, but it is in God that I live, move, breathe, and have my being. God is Everything to me.

So, I repented to My God for the foolish and disrespectful imagination that sought to exalt itself against the knowledge of Him in my mind.  I allowed God to give me the peace that I needed to take it one day at a time.  I actually made it to work each day that week and even though my eyes were puffy and swollen, nobody had any idea what I was going through because my emotions and my mental health were completely stable.  I am a witness that He is the glue that will hold you together.  

And that was when I was believing I had to stand by and watch the devil destroy my marriage.  Now, I know that I have a right to fight for what is mine.  Now, I am fighting the good fight of Faith and declaring that what God has joined, no man, no power, no being, no demon in hell is going to separate.  I claim it by my Faith. And it is so.

  I am so Thankful for all who read this blog and share in the comments. Please be wise with your words and know that prayers are always in order. If you desire for me to call out your name or your loved one's name in prayer please leave it in the comment section as well. I do not have to know the situation because God knows, He knows each and everyone of us, even down to the number of hairs on our heads. If you feel so led by The Holy Spirit, please lift me in prayer by Thanking God in advance for the Restoration of my own marriage. Believe God for Everything!!!