I want a divorce.

I want a divorce.

Those were the most devastating words I had ever heard in my life.  And even though I myself had said

that sentence in the past plenty of times, I had never actually heard it said to me.  I promised myself

that I would never say them again as the pain at hearing them nearly caused my own heart to stop

beating.  I could not believe the power those words had.  I could not believe I had wielded that power so

recklessly in the past.  Shame on me.  And I really did feel shame.  More than that, I felt a fear like I have

never experienced in my entire life. 

As the fear began to choke the reasoning and the logic from my mind, I had one response in my head.

“But I can’t live without him!” That thought reverberated through my mind and my psyche as if it was

actual Scripture.  It was as if it were an undeniable truth.  And in my mind, it was.

So began my journey through the process of divorce.  I went to my bed and threw myself upon it and

began to cry. I cried and I cried like there was no tomorrow.  I cried like there was no way the world could

possibly go on. 

The thing is though, I didn't have choice but to go on, as in, keep moving. I had to keep living and keep

breathing even though it felt like my life had just come to a stop. Based on the thoughts in my mind at the

time, I would have been perfectly fine dying of a broken heart at that moment. But God saw fit to still push

breath into my nostrils and air into my lungs, thus forcing me to continue to live.

Thus, when I realized that my eyes had opened to a brand new day, I knew I had to face that day. I had

to crawl out of bed, wash my face, brush my teeth, shower, comb my hair, get dressed and head to work.

Even though I did all of it on autopilot, I managed to keep moving and keep living by the Grace of God.

So my thought for today is on the power of reflection. Hearing the word "Divorce" thrown in my direction

was like a boomerang after me threatening divorce in the past. It was like my gun backfiring into my own

heart. I then knew the hurt and pain that my own mouth had caused and woefully had to eat the poison

back into myself. That word is, now and forevermore, deleted in my vocabulary. But the course

correction came at a terribly high price.

You see, there are two biblical lessons in this reflection, and these biblical lessons have been instilled

within me since childhood. I have no excuses for not heeding them. The first is about the power of the

tongue. The Bible teaches that life and death are in the power of the tongue and I know fully well what

that means, yet have spoken death many times. Divorce is death. It is the death of a part of your own

soul for when you are married, you are no longer two but one. So I had to learn from experience about

the power of my words. A truly hard lesson learned indeed.

The second lesson is known in many cultures and religions. I've heard it referred to as "what goes around

comes around", but in Christianity, it is the law of reaping. The Bible teaches us that we will reap what we

sow, meaning whatever we give, or put out, or sow (plant), we will receive (reap) that exact thing back.

If we give good things, we will receive good. If we give bad things, actions, words, etc, we will receive

bad things, actions and words. The Bible even warns that we deceive ourselves if we think God is not

serious about this law.

I had to be out of my mind to think that one day, I would not experience the pain I was dishing out.

I now have live with it and I promise, it is unbearable. Even though I've repented to God, I still have to

suffer the literal physical pain in my heart from going through this divorce process. And even though I am

faithfully trusting and believing God to restore my marriage, it still doesn't exempt me from the law of

reaping.

All I can do is pray that My Heavenly Father continues help me through this process, which is the only reason I am even standing today, His help. He gives me the strength to trust Him and even allow Him to direct my path in this season so that He gets the Glory in my trial. How does He get Glory in this? Well, if one person reads this and decides that no matter how many hard moments their marriage suffers, they will never threaten their spouse with the word "Divorce" and by this choice, their Marriage endures, then To God Be The Glory.

My prayer is that by my story, you never have to live through this experience. Learn from my mistakes.

I am so Thankful for all who read this blog and share in the comments. Please be wise with your words and know that prayers are always in order. If you desire for me to call out your name or your loved one's name in prayer please leave it in the comment section as well. I do not have to know the situation because God knows, He knows each and everyone of us, even down to the number of hairs on our heads. If you feel so led by The Holy Spirit, please lift me in prayer by Thanking God in advance for the Restoration of my own marriage. Believe God for Everything!!!