When He Wants a Divorce But I Don't

 It's been over 100 days since he said that he wanted a divorce.  It's been over 100 days since my heart started beating irregularly. It's been over 100 days since anxiety and panic attacks have joined my list of daily emotions.  It's been over 100 days since I felt comfortable in my own skin. It's been more than 100 days since I've experienced pure Joy.  It's been over 100 days and counting since my eyes became leaky faucets.  How in the world has it been over 100 days???

I reflected back over the years of our marriage and I thought about how I've never been more confident in my position and situation, my station in life.  My footing was so sure.  I knew my myself and knew my spouse and knew that we would be together forever no matter what. I knew that I would wear his name until the day I died.  I was certain of this.  However, I didn't always express that knowledge in my behaviors.

You wouldn't believe I wanted forever with the way I would resort to the threat of Divorce when the weight of a problem got too heavy.  When an argument seemed like there would be no compromise, then I would bring up divorce as the only solution. Ugh! SO FOOLISH! I Always Knew, inside, that I would never actually go through with a divorce.  I could not even fathom the first step towards it.  I had been through several divorces already and those were beyond traumatic, but something in me wanted to seem so tough and thick skinned in a fight that I would be reckless with the "D" word.  See, I always fought to win. And these fights wouldn't be often, maybe once or twice in a year, but they would be devastating and soul shattering to our marriage.

One thing that I believe Marital Counseling does well is teaching couples how to have successful disagreements.  How to argue fairly is something that should be taught in premarital counseling also, in my opinion.  I look back on my marriage and I know that was an area that I struggled with.  Even though I have grown over the years, I know that I still need improvements.  My position used to be this: someone had to be the loser in a disagreement and therefore would be unhappy, but it wasn't going to be me. If I had followed the suggestions of the Career Coach in Jr High school, I would have been an Attorney because I live for critical thinking. I could debate back and forth for days if necessary. And I love to explore the "Why" of an argument.

As a matter of fact, "why" is one of the most used words in my vocabulary.  I love to challenge a person's thought process as well as my own and not for the sake of arguing, because that would make me a melodramatic person in my mind and I don't care for drama.  I love the challenge for the sake of truth. At the end of the day, I love "Truth" being revealed, upheld and celebrated.  And I don't mean "my truth" or "their truth", I mean "The Truth". What or, shall I say, Who is the Truth?

None other than Jesus Christ our Lord, the True and Living Word.  The Bible is the ultimate guide to Truth.  Everything we need for every situation in life is found in the Word of God.  I never get too stubborn to admit it to myself when I am not lining up with the Word.  Sometimes my prayer is simply "Lord help me because I can't help myself in this moment".  

When I would throw out Divorce during arguments, especially the really heated ones, (the ones you had to walk away from and spend some time driving through the streets talking to yourself) I always had to come face to face with what the Bible said about Divorce.  In Malachi, God said that He hated Divorce. Because the Word is like a mirror that shows where you don't measure up, I would have no choice but to seek Godly Counsel and try to find a point of reconciliation because I knew, I could not and would not actually go through with the threat.

How Ironic, years later, to find myself on the other side of that horrible word with nothing I could say to stop it's advancement.  So here I am, over 100 days later, reaping the seeds of brokenness that I personally sowed into my marriage and fervently seeking God for mercy and to fix what I helped break.  My only solace is my knowledge in The Word of Truth that my God is Faithful and Just to forgive me of every sin when I confess and repent. So I stand on that Word and allow God to cleanse my heart and renew my mind so that I am able to come out of this trial a brand new woman, fit for the calling and duty of "help-meet". The Title of "WIFE".   

I am so Thankful for all who read this blog and share in the comments. Please be wise with your words and know that prayers are always in order. If you desire for me to call out your name or your loved one's name in prayer please leave it in the comment section as well. I do not have to know the situation because God knows, He knows each and everyone of us, even down to the number of hairs on our heads. If you feel so led by The Holy Spirit, please lift me in prayer by Thanking God in advance for the Restoration of my own marriage. Believe God for Everything!!!